A couple of the suggestions I've received are for blogs are about how my life and perspective have changed as the mother of a one-year-old (interestingly enough, both these suggestions came from single male friends). Obviously, this is a topic near and dear to my heart and understanding....
The one I'd like to tackle first is about putting MLM in preschool. Our little nut (seen here during one of his new favorite activities, "helping" Mommy sweep) started attending a part-time preschool program almost a month ago. And honestly, it didn't happen the way I expected.
My original plan as a somewhat-stay-at-home-mom was to ease MLM into a preschool environment, starting with one morning a week and then expanding gradually from there. We had a wonderful nanny who stayed with him one full day each week while I worked, and I thought a little socialization with his peers in addition to time with her would be the most comfortable thing for all of us. I'd even toured a little mother's morning out program and put down a deposit.
But our wonderful nanny had a change of plans beyond her control, and found her way into another job that offered her more hours than we could give her. We were sad to see her go, but of course we had to understand!
Suddenly we were faced with a daycare dilemma. Keep our plans for one morning a week and start the search over for a new nanny as fabulous as the one we felt so lucky to have before? Revamp my entire professional life? Neither of those seemed practical, especially since the monkey has been showing lots of signs that he's ready for more social time with other kids....
So we went on the hunt for flexible full-day preschool programs, and ended up finding one that was a perfect fit. MLM goes two full days a week and I have a day of office work and a day of errands/paperwork during the week (plus I work on a weekend day while Daddy gets some guy time with him). It's a wonderful program and the teachers are fantastic. The whole setup is working really well for all of us.
But all of that doesn't cover the emotional roller coaster. I know from talking to other moms that whether you have a child in daycare full-time, a child who stays with a relative, in-home care with a nanny, or a child who's home all the time with an occasional morning out.... there are always challenges. We feel guilty when we leave our kids with someone else, or we keep them with us and feel guilty that we sometimes wish they were with someone else. We wonder if they're getting enough quality time with us, enough stimulation and socialization with other kids, the right learning opportunities, etc., etc. etc.
As always, our myriad choices are a mixed blessing. Moms and dads today have so many choices for how to raise and care for their children, and with all those options come countless ways to second guess yourself. I am no exception.
When I drop MLM off in the morning, he still cries and sometimes screams, reaching for me, trying to get back into my arms. The magnitude of this separation reaction seems directly related to how tired he is that morning. Sometimes he's easily distracted by a classroom activity, other times he's still screaming as I walk down the hall.
From a psychology point of view, I know that this is normal separation behavior and that it's healthy for both of us to go through this process. From a reasonable point of view, I know that when I call the classroom a few minutes later, they'll tell me he stopped crying two minutes after I left. But from a mommy point of view, it hurts my heart to see my precious little boy reaching for me in tears, and it's all I can do to will my legs out the door to the car.
That feeling passes once I'm outside, of course. I take a deep breath of fresh air and turn my focus to everything else requiring my attention that day. I often feel a little sense of relief that I get to be just me for a few minutes, driving a car alone, listening to the radio. Sometimes that relief is accompanied by a twinge of guilt for feeling so relieved, but that doesn't last long. Then I'm off to my day, and only occasionally does it happen that I look in the rear-view mirror and find myself mildly shocked to see the empty car seat there, and my heart experiences a little surge of longing for its noisy little occupant.
Some days this is the last time I see MLM until the following morning [his Dad picks him up and he's in bed when I leave work]. That's hard, but I'm busy enough and tired enough that the next morning tends to come pretty quickly. Other days, I pick MLM up in the afternoon, and I get to experience the flip side of this challenge... one of the best moments of the week. I come to the classroom or the playground, look around until I spot him playing somewhere, and then wait for it.
There's this split-second where he looks at me blankly, trying to decipher my face and put me in context of the world he's been in all day. And then, recognition dawns. A smile spreads across my little boy's face and he stretches his arms out wide, both for balance and for hugging, and then toddles toward me in pure delight. I scoop him up in my arms and we hug one another tight; his head resting on my shoulder in comfort and affection.
This is the best part of my week, and I tune out everything else for that moment just to cherish it. This is the moment where we are returned safely to one another, back from our separate adventures of the day. The moment in which he understands truly and deeply that I will always return for him, and in which I am reassured that -- no matter how much time we spend apart -- that my role as Mommy will always be mine alone in the heart of my little boy.
Separation is hard. But without it, we could never experience the joy of coming home.
3 comments:
That was so sweet! I am planning on returning to work a few days a week post maternity leave and reading this makes me feel like less of a jerk for wanting to do so. Already feeling the mommy guilt LOL ;)
Glad you liked it, Kristin! It is never an easy choice, but I think the very best thing for any kid is happy, stable and fulfilled parents -- whatever that means! ;)
This makes me miss the days of being a part time nanny. Picking up little Glenny (who is now a freshman in college) from daycare was the highlight of my day. The smile that would come over his face when he saw me made me feel so amazing inside. Anything that had annoyed me during the day was suddenly gone with those hugs.
:)
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