What if Customer Service Representatives Were Honest?

CSR: Thank you for calling Comcast/AT&T/Other Big Conglomerate. How may I demean and frustrate you today?

ME: Yes, hello. I'm having a problem with my service.

CSR: I'm not even a little bit sorry to hear that, ma'am. Actually, I was really enjoying a conversation with the people in the cubicles around me, and you're interrupting. So what's the problem?

ME: Well, what happened was this..... I did A as I was supposed to, then B happened, and now my C won't D. I called two days ago and someone told me to E and F, but it's still just D.

CSR: I can't decide if I don't believe what you're saying or I don't fully understand. Either way, please hold for one moment while I pull up your file, which as far as I am concerned is the only thing that counts about you. Meanwhile, you'll be listening to some advertisements from our company talking about all the ways we can serve you. Don't worry, though, I won't appreciate the irony.

[4 minutes pass]

CSR: I'm now required to say "thank you for holding." I've looked at your file on my computer, and it appears that two days ago you called and were told E.

ME: Yes, and F.

CSR: There's no note in the system about F.

ME: Okay. But the problem is, it's all still D.

CSR: I actually don't care very much about D, or you, but the script in front of me suggests that I place you on a "brief hold," which won't really be brief, while I try to figure out what to do next. I'm also going to run to the vending machine. Ready?

ME: Uh, sure, I guess....

[6 minutes pass]

CSR: I've done some research on your file, which means I talked to someone near me who's been here two months longer than I have; and I've come to the conclusion that your problem is actually D.

ME: Right, that's what I've been saying.

CSR: It doesn't matter when you say it, I have to come to the conclusion myself.

ME:  Great. So we're on the same page now?

CSR: I'm not allowed to respond to colloquial expressions or idioms. What I can tell you is that I've researched your file and concluded D.

ME: Okay, fine. How do we fix D?

CSR: What I'm going to do now is assume you're a complete idiot and ask you some unbelievably basic questions. So did you try turning it on? Plugging it in? Breathing in and out?

ME: Yes. I did all those things, three days ago. And then I did them again when I called in last time. But I'm thinking that it might actually be a problem on your end, because.....

CSR: I'm going to cut you off right there because I'm not allowed to have you participate in the troubleshooting process with your service. You are the customer, and therefore, have no qualifications to understand the complexity of our systems. You couldn't possibly know what is wrong, and your suggestion that you might understand the problem or be able to offer insight is a direct insult to me and my professional integrity. I will therefore work hard from this point forward to be even less accommodating and polite than before.

ME: Really? How can you be less accom--

CSR: Hold please.

[12 minutes pass]

CSR: Ma'am?

ME: (from a distance) Wait, hold on! I put you on speaker so I could do something else while I waited. Don't hang up!

[exasperated sigh from CSR whose time is being wasted while I return to the phone].

CSR: Ma'am, we need to troubleshoot your service to find out what's going on so, I need to ask you some questions. Would you please pick up your X and push the power button?

ME: Sure, but I've tried this already, and --

CSR: Ma'am, please pick up your X and push the power button. Wait 24 seconds.

ME: Okay, done.

CSR: And?

ME: Nothing.

CSR: It seems that the problem could be D.

ME: You think???

CSR: Sarcasm triggers an immediate 3 minute hold. Please hold.

[3 minutes]

CSR: Again, I'm required to say thank you for holding, but I will not try to hide the fact that I'm annoyed the first page of my flow chart did not resolve your problem. Everyone else around me got to go on break and have birthday cake, but since your problem wasn't resolved in the usual time, I have to stay here and help you. This makes me resent you personally.

ME: I don't know what to say. Sorry about the cake. I'm a little annoyed myself, what with my service being down for 3 days and D and everything. Also, I have to say, this hasn't been very helpful so far and it's been 34 minutes.

CSR: I'm interpreting your frustration as hostility and moving into defensive mode. Prepare to be completely shut down.

ME: Wait, no! I'm sorry. I am frustrated, but all I want is a resolution to the problem. See, I pay you guys for this service. I've been paying you for years on time without fail, and I feel like maybe I'm entitled to some help when something goes wrong.

CSR: I have no idea what you're talking about. You're not paying me.

ME: But I pay the company you work for.

CSR: That means nothing to me. You mean nothing to me. I hate my job, and I have no incentive to be nice to you. Nothing changes about my world whether you get D fixed or not. All I care about right now is that I'm missing out on cake in the breakroom and that I have to put enough notes in the system to justify my existence here for a few more months until I get my hairdresser's license.

ME: Okay, fine. I get that -- you're not very invested and my problem might be more complex than average. Can I talk to your supervisor instead?

CSR: I don't want you to talk to my supervisor because then I'll have to endure some sort of training session.

ME: I'm sorry, but I really think I need to.

CSR: Fine. There is a 3-hour wait to talk to a supervisor. I put you on the list, and they call you back.

ME: What? Why a 3-hour wait?

CSR: Our customer service is so colossally bad that pretty much everyone wants to talk to the supervisor. So we put you on the list and hope that by the time she calls you back, you'll be doing something else. She will leave you a non-committal message, and then the problem will be lost in the world of Phone Tag. By the time it's over, you will have found a way to work around your problem, or it will have resolved itself through our incomprehensible system.

ME: But what about the customer? What about me? I'm really angry right now and I want to change to a different company. Well, what I really want is for someone to be nice to me when I call and for you to be able to fix what's wrong.

CSR: Sure you do. But by the time the issue gets resolved, you'll have researched your options and found that they are all pretty much the same. It's one crappy huge company or another, really. In a couple of days, you'll forget how unbelievably pissed off you are right now and realize you don't have time to change your life based on one bad week. Your bills are probably on autopay, so you won't even resent writing the check every month. You'll just go on with your pathetic little life and roll your eyes whenever someone else tells a story of their bad experience with our company.

ME: You're wrong! I have rights as a consumer! I don't have to stand for this!!

CSR: Really?

ME: No. Not really.

CSR: That's right. You'll get nothing and you'll like it. Still want the supervisor to call you in 5 hours?

ME: Huh? Oh.... sure, okay. Thanks.

CSR: Okay, then. I'm still not sorry about your situation, but I am glad I don't have to think about it anymore. It's chocolate cake. I am required to invite you to participate in a survey about the service you received today. It will be a hassle - you have to leave your number and an automated system will call you with questions. You can do it if you want, but no one is going to pay attention to the results and since it's not even a human being calling, you're not going to feel like you said your peace at all. Would you like to participate in the survey today?

ME: Um, no thanks, I guess.

CSR: Is there anything else I can help you with?

ME: You didn't help me at all.

CSR: Okay then. I'm required to thank you for calling and sarcastically wish you a good day.