Saturday, October 23, 2010

How to React When I Refer to Myself as a "Fat Girl"

You wouldn't believe how uncomfortable it makes people. Especially skinny people.

We'll be together in some social situation, talking about whatever (often it's food or dieting or fitness), and I will make a reference to myself as a fat girl. I often do this in an outrageously self-applauding way. For example when someone compliments me on a great home-cooked meal, I'll say "If you want to know about good food, just ask a fat girl." Or when someone congratulates me on accomplishing something challenging in the fitness arena (like my loooong walk for breast cancer in June), and I'll shrug with affected modesty and say, "Yeah, not bad for a fat girl, eh?"

And then, I just sit back and watch the discomfort set in.....

Nervous laughter, accompanied by shifting eyes. Or the tentative reassurance, "Oh, come on, you're not fat..." and I can almost hear the corrected sentence in my poor friend's terrified brain: Well, you're not as fat as some people I've seen. Or just uncomfortable silence and a quick change of the subject, accompanied by an expression that says I just sidestepped a huge conversational landmine.

Well, my friends, let me put your fears to rest. This is not an outcropping of low self-esteem looking for comfort and healing. I am not bravely asserting what I hope is a falsehood and waiting for someone to reassure me. I am certainly not putting myself down. [When I do, you'll know it, because all my sentences will follow this whiny formula: "You don't think I'm ____________ (obnoxious, a bad writer, a neglectful friend, etc.), do you?" ]

But when I refer to myself as a 'fat girl,' I'm simply owning a part of myself that I have come to accept and even love over the years, despite all the struggles it brings. Believe it or not, it is possible to embrace your identity as a heavy-set person and simultaneously strive to improve your health and weight each day. In fact, accepting this dichotomy is the best thing I ever did for myself. I am not ashamed of myself or any part of who I am, so there's really no need for you to feel uncomfortable when I mention it. Seriously. It's okay. Relax!

So, in the vein of bringing it out into the open.... Here's what I know:

At this moment, I am about 53 pounds overweight for my height according to current medical standards. Technically, that's obese. When you hear about obesity being a huge problem in our country, I'm one of the people they're talking about. That bothers me in the sense that I don't want to experience medical problems as a result of my weight, and I don't want to miss out on activities because my weight or resulting medical issues might limit them. I also don't want my son (or any other kids who might come along later) to have to struggle with diet, exercise and body image as I have.

I have always been heavy. When I was younger, I was just a little thicker than some kids; and when I look back at pictures of myself, I barely see a weight problem at all. But many people around me -- mean kids I grew up around, and more hurtfully, adults who I loved and trusted -- saw a weight problem and felt the need to comment on it in a very negative way. Following their example, I began to view myself in that same negative light, which was pretty depressing.

And, it turns out, when I'm depressed, I eat. So you can imagine how well this cycle went for me during my teenage years, when you can get depressed if the wind blows the wrong direction and they serve milkshakes with lunch every day at school. Mmmm.....  Put that together with a society that focuses largely on appearances and places the highest value on women who are between sizes 0 and 4, and you have a recipe (mmmm..... recipe....) for some major body image issues. I certainly struggled with them, and I know for absolute certain that I was far, far, far from alone.

But this is where it gets better. Despite fluctuations in weight both up and down (more up, over time), and despite several key moments throughout the years when I broke down crying in a dressing room while trying on bathing suits, or angrily consumed an entire box of Oatmeal Cream Pies in my college dorm room when some jerky guy broke up with me.... I was okay.

People still liked me, guys still wanted to date me, and -- it turns out -- I could still climb mountains, shake my booty on the dance floor, and even run a little bit, just like the skinny people around me. Maybe not as fast, maybe not as far at first, but I could do it. And I think I felt a greater sense of achievement afterward, because I'd told myself for so long I wasn't someone who could live in that world. But I could, I can, and so can anyone else.

Over time, I began to learn that you don't have to be one thing or the other. You don't have to be a bendy Size 8 to enjoy and derive benefit from yoga or hiking. Eating healthy is important (and yummy) no matter who you are or how much you weigh. Vegetables are our friends. And the occasional burger and fries is good, too. It's okay to wish you were a few pounds lighter but still be proud of your curves, and to totally admire your own butt in Size 16 or 18 jeans (or larger - I've seen women who can make size 22 look amazing because they know how to own it). It's also okay to be naturally thin, and I promise to only hate you a little if you say, "No matter what I eat, I just never seem to gain weight."

I've learned that hotness is not about size, it's about attitude. My dirty little secret? I don't want to be skinny. Yes, being overweight is a struggle, and I continually strive to improve my health and fitness. But you can keep your bikini body, your calorie-counting, and your perfect thighs. I'm happy with the more of me there is to love, and I have embraced myself for who I am, just as I am. That's one healthy habit I absolutely will pass on to my kids: to love themselves for who they are, and never let anyone else cloud their judgment of their own self-worth.

So what should you do when I make a joke about being a fat girl? Laugh. And pass the breadsticks.

5 comments:

Matt F. said...

Right on, Manda! :) Aside from really wanting some bread sticks now (preferably of the Olive Garden variety), I can totally relate to the article. I would most likely be considered obese by current medical standards too, having added about 50+ pounds (probably a good bit more) since high school. I have curves in places there shouldn't be any, and way too many parts of me jiggle when I walk.

I always kept myself in decent shape back in high school and college, with Martial Arts, tennis, biking...staying active all the time. Then something happened years ago that changed all that. I could say it was the death of my mother, the fact that friends of mine I played tennis with moved away, or any number of reasons, but they'd just be excuses. I have no one to blame but myself.

I'm not unhappy, per se, with my weight, but definitely with my shape (or lack thereof.) I keep telling myself, "I'll start playing tennis again, now that it's cooler," or "I'll start walking again now the weather's a bit nicer." But I don't (or haven't yet anyway.)

I realize that I've definitely aged, and my body is definitely not what it used to be (not that it was that great to start with), but I too need to work on being happier with my image, while at the same time working to improve it. I need to eat better, exercise more, and take care of myself better than I do now. I definitely miss out on some of the activities that I used to partake in, because I'm overweight and out of shape. I can change that though, but it's going to be a journey.

Okay, I'm just going to wrap things up here, because I haven't really written anything in a while, and I'm rambling again. (I think it's your blog; your writing inspires ME to write more (another thing I used to do regularly.))

Anyway, great post, and thanks for the positive insight from a fellow "Fat Guy." Now how about some bread sticks! ;)

Matt F. said...

Right on, Manda! :) Aside from really wanting some bread sticks now (preferably of the Olive Garden variety), I can totally relate to the article. I would most likely be considered obese by current medical standards too, having added about 50+ pounds (probably a good bit more) since high school. I have curves in places there shouldn't be any, and way too many parts of me jiggle when I walk.

I always kept myself in decent shape back in high school and college, with Martial Arts, tennis, biking...staying active all the time. Then something happened years ago that changed all that. I could say it was the death of my mother, the fact that friends of mine I played tennis with moved away, or any number of reasons, but they'd just be excuses. I have no one to blame but myself.

I'm not unhappy, per se, with my weight, but definitely with my shape (or lack thereof.) I keep telling myself, "I'll start playing tennis again, now that it's cooler," or "I'll start walking again now the weather's a bit nicer." But I don't (or haven't yet anyway.)

I realize that I've definitely aged, and my body is definitely not what it used to be (not that it was that great to start with), but I too need to work on being happier with my image, while at the same time working to improve it. I need to eat better, exercise more, and take care of myself better than I do now. I definitely miss out on some of the activities that I used to partake in, because I'm overweight and out of shape. I can change that though, but it's going to be a journey.

Anyway, great post, and thanks for the positive insight, from a fellow "Fat Guy." Now how about some bread sticks! ;)

Annie said...

Wow rock on! I hate the body hate that I have found in so many places - skinny girls, fat girls - and in myself, even though I wear the skinny girl label. Body hate doesn't serve any of us, whereas a sense of humor, honesty, and talking about this crap does. Pass the bread sticks please!!!! Thanks for being my daily dose of inspiration.

M.J. Pullen said...

Thanks for the comments, you guys. It's so wonderful to hear about everyone's journey. I think the more we talk about this issue openly, the less stigmatized and shamed we will all feel about our bodies.

Brenda Cummings said...

(totally late commenting on this)
I think hotness is more attitude than anything else! I have taken a long time to accept being skinny. It took me years to stop hiding under baggy clothes hoping to not hear the words "Oh my gosh, you are SOOO skinny!" Since I have accepted it, I have found people don't point out my size, they point out my attitude instead.
BTW, am I weird that I see my friends as being the same size as me? Seriously I completely see you all as being a size 4.