These Dreams...

Maybe it's the hot weather or caffeine or something.

I'm not usually one who has vivid dreams, especially involving cohesive plots, specific people or recognizable places. But I've been having some crazy ones lately. Like the one a few weeks ago where I helped a friend decorate her new house with the monsters and fixtures from "Monster Plantation." Then there was a pretty steamy one the other night involving me with Seth Rogen. Can't say I was expecting that one...

But last night's episode of "Unconscious Theater 3000" was actually sort of intriguing. I had a dream that I was on trial -- maybe it was the end of my life? A midpoint report card? I'm not sure. But I was standing in front of some sort of dark tribunal - two men and a woman - and they were obviously making a big decision about my life and how I've lived it so far.

It didn't feel strange, for whatever reason, to be judged in this way. In my dream I felt comfortable and even confident. What's funny is how they were judging me. There was a large screen in front of me on which images from my life seemed to be passing at random. And I think I expected to be judged on the things that are most important to me. The major things that have impacted me most - both good and bad.

To my surprise, the dream judges didn't choose these things to address. Instead, they went through my life and pulled up what - to me - seemed like very random incidents. Things I haven't thought about in years or barely remember, even now.

The one I remember most vividly was this: an image appeared of a woman who I would consider sort of a distant friend, a part of my "outer circle." I've known her for a long time; she was a friend of another good friend of mine starting in middle school, and there was a period back in high school when we spent time together socially.

But over the years we drifted apart, as so many people do. I've seen her two or three times since college, and I know that she's gone through some rough times -- the death of a parent, marital difficulties, and more. Every once in a while I see a mutual friend of ours, and I'll hear a little about what she's up to or how she's doing. But with all the hustle and bustle of my everyday life, she's not someone who enters my thoughts very often (much less my dreams).

So imagine my surprise when it was her image around which the questioning centered. The judges asked me about my relationship with her, and how well I thought I had handled it. There was no critical tone in their interrogation, just simple questions. And I can't tell you what their conclusions were because the sound of my alarm clock intruded on the proceedings before they were over. Like I said, crazy dream.

But, even in my waking morning routine, it left me wondering about those 'outer circle' interactions and minor decisions in our lives. What if those were as important on some level as the stuff that feels major to us? What if the way I treat a distant old classmate or the checkout guy at the grocery store says as much about me as how I treat my husband or my best friend? It's a little mind-boggling.

Of course I can't be everything to everyone - and trying to do that would be ridiculous and impossible. And let's face it, there's a reason we focus so much on the things and people that are really important to us. They're, you know, important.

But I wonder if there would be a benefit to spreading around some of the emotion I currently put on the "Big Ten" things -- those that are always on my mind and my to-do list? By moving a little effort to the outer circle each day, would that somehow push me to be less intensely focused, less self-centered? If I direct a little of my energy to the small interactions in my life, could I lower the stakes and the pressure on the "Big Ten?" Maybe...

And if not, maybe I should just keep an eye on the caffeine before bedtime.