The Random Answer

I had sort of a nonstop, stressful day today, one that left very little space for contemplation and creativity. We're in the process of preparing to move, closing on a new home in a couple of weeks and getting our current space ready to rent out to someone else; and today was one of those days with lots of meetings,  phone calls, faxing, and e-mailing trying to make all the pieces of the process work together.

So I'm worn out and brain-dead, and definitely in a state that would not normally be conducive to blogging. I guess this is one of those days for stretching the limits.

But I can't do it on my own. So in search of inspiration, I did a little random googling, and then started googling "random" just for fun, too. I found something called a random question generator on a website geared toward sparking creativity.

Here was the question: Can I transpose positives and negatives?


Hmm....

After packing until nearly midnight last night, it was totally exhilarating to be awakened at 5:00 a.m. by my ready-to-play toddler. I often laze around until as late as 6:45, so the opportunity to greet the morning extra-early was really special. The fact that he wanted to be right under my feet or in my arms the entire time was nice, too, because I always want to be close to him. Every second.

Having a nonstop day today made me feel important and needed. It's nice to know that I'm such a pivotal part in our family and so helpful to my husband. It was really great that I had no time to waste on any frivolous activities, and that the near-constant flow of phone calls, emails, etc. really kept me on track. It was a nice bonus, however, that my phone completely malfunctioned mid-afternoon so that I couldn't spend too much time on that important call on my drive home.

The frequent, ear-piercing shrieks emitting from my child's mouth from 3:45 until 7:30 were so nice to have in the background as I tried to help a friend with a problem via IM while scrambling to make appointments with plumbers and carpet vendors and gathering sensitive information from potential tenants, while showing the condo to another potential tenant and realtor, chicken nuggets on the floor and all. It's really great that they got to experience me in my full humanity, rather than seeing me as too professional and cold.  Sometimes hearing yourself think can be so overrated!

You  know, it's funny, even trying to exaggerate this exercise and even with the true stressors listed... I have to admit that some of the positive 'spin' really is just as true, at least upon reflection. Okay, maybe without the shrieking in the background while I'm on phone, but still.

Trying to artificially turn the negatives into positives in response to the random question made me realize how easy that really was. Many people don't have the opportunity to move right now at all, much less to a house they're totally excited about. The logistical juggling that comes along with that is a short-term stressor; and in a month, I'll look back happy and relieved that everything has worked out for the best.

And it doesn't take long of complaining about my noisy, needy, early riser before I can also hear his deep belly laughs and feel his sweet tired baby hugs. And I am reminded, as I am every day, how difficult it was to get him here with our fertility challenges. I can still vividly remember those painful and frustrating moments when we weren't sure he was even possible. That fact makes it hard for me to even consider taking the positives of my day - the little things that made me smile - and turning them on their heads. But turning negative into positive? Yeah, I can do that.

Overcoming Inertia

It's been tough coming up with ideas for a blog lately. Of course, when things are going smoothly in my world, I don't "come up with ideas for a blog," I just write about the random crap that happens to me and the random way I view said crap. Easy-peasey and occasionally entertaining to someone other than the weird Asian spammers who have been my only commentators lately. Sigh.

Needless to say, there hasn't been much in the way of smooth blog-topic flow lately. And one thing I've noticed about blogging is that nothing kills inspiration like a long absence. It's like the Law of Blog Inertia. A blog at rest, stays at rest. There's also been a lot going on in my non-blog life -- buying a house, looking for renters for our condo, trying to keep up with a wobbly toddler who has a mind of his own, etc.

On top of all that, my attention span lately hasn't really been long enough for blogs. My thoughts have been more well-suited to a different social medium -- I've been thinking in one-liners more apropos of Facebook status updates. They range from frustrated ("Bathroom scale doesn't change, regardless of eating and exercise habits. Is it possible the cause is bathroom scale gnomes?") to snarky, ("Dear guy walking diagonally at your leisure across parking lot aisle, reading receipt, while I wait with screaming baby in the backseat: Is it hard being the only person on earth? Do you get lonely?").

But none of them seem like good blog-fodder. I mean, who wants to read a four-paragraph rant about an inconsiderate guy who held me up from getting into Publix a few minutes sooner? Not you. I know it!

I'm not the only one who struggles with this. I've been checking out some other blogs and noticed that even my favorites have interruptions in service and blogs about mundane daily stuff and odes to kittens, etc. Of course, sometimes the mundane things can be the most accessible, universal and even emotionally poignant -- because those 'mundane' things reveal the most about who people are and what their lives are like.

So maybe I'm hesitant to blog about my toddler and how confusing I find his tantrums [screaming to be picked up, wriggling away immediately, then more screaming to be picked up again -- anyone?].

But this blog is about my life, mostly, and right now my life is full of trying to get a very short person strapped into a car seat several times a day and negotiating a transition from one home to another. So, I guess if you're interested in that, you'll read, and if not.... well, you probably didn't make it this far anyway.

So, in the immortal (and pretty much unrelated) words of an unknown spammer who tried masking a link to a suspicious website with some words of wisdom, "Knowledge is a treasure, but practice is the key to it..."

Jeepers! Creepers! The Return of the Blog

After my last blog, and the 30-mile walk over two days that preceded it, I decided I would take a week off from fitness walking, blogging, and a few other healthful but non-necessary activities in my life. I figured seven days of relaxation would allow my body and mind to reset so I could come back refreshed and better than ever.

Hmmm.... A week off, eh? Well, now it's exactly six weeks later and my walking activities have been only slightly more frequent than my blogs. Guess I needed more time to relax than I thought!

Well, I may not have been walking, but my little man is. He took his first steps just over a week ago, and I can hardly believe how fast he's growing (and moving). It's hilarious to watch him toddle around with his arms out like a drunk midget, huge open-mouthed excitement all over his face.

And I haven't been blogging myself, but I've been reading some other friends who are new to the blogging scene, and they have really inspired me. One of my favorites is a courageous and deeply personal blog called "The Drive at 35" by my friend Andy, which I invite you to explore at your leisure.

In the meantime, I'll try to pull myself together for something more substantive soon.  Happy Summer!

Churn, Baby, Churn

I don't know about you guys, but it's a month-plus in, and I am sick of 2010 already. It's been a wild six weeks for our family: the hacker fiasco, a busted water heater, craziness at work (for both of us -- and I'm not referring to my clients!), a death in the family, resuming graduate classes after two semesters off with the baby, drama in both our families and with a couple of important friendships..... And in the middle of that, teething, crawling, baby-proofing, growth spurts, crazy cold weather, etc. And there's more snow coming this weekend.

It's all leaving me with that "stop this thing, I want to get off" feeling. You know that feeling? Like the fun roller-coaster ride that you waited in line for three hours for, is actually just going to jostle you around and leave you with an upset stomach and a sore neck? [Or some far better, more articulate analogy.]

What's amazing is, all this turmoil seems to be churning up the old creative juices. In the last few weeks, I haven't had more than two complete nights' sleep, but I have started three major creative projects (one with my best friend -- a long-awaited opportunity for us to work together); and I've sketched out thoughts on two or three more. It seems that the best ideas come to me when I'm busy putting out fires in my life; maybe because I lose my tightly controlled grip over everything and all those dormant ideas see their opportunity to escape through the gaping holes in my consciousness.

So be on the lookout for my crazy ideas in the next few months, running around with pants on their heads like escapees from a mental institution. And in the meantime, note to the Universe: Thanks for the jolt of stimulation. I'm good now. Really.

I'm on a Roll, Baby!

Today I am Superwoman. I'm feeling totally empowered, focused, and ready to take on the world. For some reason, I've been up since 5 a.m. (Hint: think 16 pounds of drool and happiness); and in those three hours my mind has somehow landed in a random groove of productivity. I think it's that "in the zone" feeling I always hear people talk about. Either that or it's the third cup of coffee!!

Either way, I have been planning like a maniac, not just for the week but for the whole dang year.

Last week was a little overwhelming for me, especially in my professional world; but I am totally going to rock this week! I can feel it!! Happy Monday!

You Could, But Will You?

Years ago, when I lived in Portland, Oregon, one of my favorite weekend activities was to stroll through the Saturday Market -- a lively collection of artists' booths, street performers and food vendors downtown by the Willamette River. I'd get a chai tea or some greasy ethnic food from one of the booths and then wander around for a couple of hours, daydreaming, shopping, people-watching... it was one of those activities that is both inspiring and relaxing.

Like many such outdoor festivals, the Saturday Market was full of both works of art far beyond the talents of the average person, as well as some things that were technically simple, but cute and clever. Those simple innovations or creative pieces often leave me asking myself, "Why didn't I think of that?" And sometimes that thought is followed with, "I could totally do that myself."

And why not? I have (or could obtain) acrylic paints, mismatched spoons, wooden frames, shellac, old magazines, lone barstools, fake flowers, a typewriter.... whatever the ingredients of this particular creative project might be. Why can't I go home right now and do [whatever it is] myself, for far less money?

I guess this is a common reaction, because at one such booth, the artist had posted a sign to spur sales from hesitant customers: "Yes, you could do this at home. But will you?" The honest answer: no, I won't.

The words on that sign have come to my mind again recently, as I've found myself with a little more time on my hands (well, time to think, anyway, while cradling a fussy infant in the wee hours.... not so much time to do). I've been trying to decide how I want to channel my energies in the coming months and I've found, discouragingly, that the possibilities are almost endless. There are loads of things I could do, but the question is, what will I do?

For example, I recently finished reading an astonishingly mediocre historical novel; and about halfway through, I began thinking -- "This is terrible. How am I not a published author already? I could write a better novel than this with my eyes closed. Maybe I should." Okay... certainly I'm capable of doing the research for such a novel. And perhaps there's some kernel of truth to the idea that I could be better than some at writing historical fiction. I would probably even enjoy it, if that's how I decided to spend my time.

But that's the thing... writing even a mediocre novel takes time and persistence. So in order to write a better novel (eyes open or otherwise), I would have to decide to spend my time that way. I would have to commit the time and discipline to doing the research, writing, editing, marketing, etc. at the expense of all the other ways I could spend those few precious moments while the little one is napping. I would have to choose to do that instead of doing just about anything else.

Now we've hit my problem. And, I suspect, the problem of talented procrastinators and underachievers everywhere. In order to do something, you have to commit to that and forgo other things, even if only in the short term. And committing like that means taking a risk -- hitching your wagon to one identity or pursuit, and casting off the safety net of the many other ways you could demonstrate your true talents. There is a built-in excuse for any shortcomings in your work when you're not pursuing your "true" passion. In that sense, I guess you could say it's easier to be a frustrated waiter than a failed actor.

I mean, let's face it, the reason Lady Mediocre is a published author and I am not, is that she wrote a damn novel! Meanwhile, I have lots of ideas and notes and half-finished paragraphs all strewn about in a black hole of a file folder called "Writing." Once in a while I invest some time and effort into that folder; but more often, I think of it longingly while I'm doing other things. And in many ways, it's safer that way.

But the reality is, life does not judge us on our aptitude (despite all the hype around the SAT in high school). No one cares what I could do if I [wanted to], [had time], [could find the energy], [got paid in advance], etc. I can only be judged on what I have done, am doing. That's where real greatness emerges, and it's up to me to do the work to bring it out in myself.

For me, the first step is letting go of some of the things I could do. Paring down my ambitions might feel like a loss in some ways, and it's certainly risky. But by closing a couple of those distracting side doors, maybe I can channel my energy to create definite direction, and build passion toward one or two pursuits at a time until I actually have something resembling a finished product. Then someone else can play the critic!

I have nothing to write and I am writing it....

with apologies to John Cage*

So, the light at the end of the tunnel is growing brighter for me and my crazy schedule. The stressful (and expensive) chaos I talked about in the last entry has mostly subsided, and one-by-one I'm checking things off my list. So, in between things, I'm delighted to return to the world of blogging.

I think.

If only I had something to say.

So this is a miniature version of the typical writer's curse I've experienced for years: when one is too busy to write, confined by the unpleasant constraints of practical life, the ideas and inspirations seem to come in literal waves. On the way home from work, or dashing between one meeting and the next, I am struck with a list of great ideas I could write IF I just had time! There are future article ideas, plans for maternity leave, and even a couple of little seeds that could one day become terrible novels...

Sometimes I find time and energy to scribble these ideas down as I go, and occasionally they even make sense when I look at them down the road. But for the most part, they are lost to oblivion, filed in that mental vortex called "Later" (which, it turns out, contains only a lonely, hungry goat and an empty desk where the office temp seems to be constantly "on break.")

So of course, by the time I need to retrieve these fabulous ideas, they are either completely missing or just a shell of their former selves -- with none of their original energy and spark. So I sit staring at the blank screen, looking out the window, flipping through the channels.... And it all somehow seems to evaporate.

I suspect I'm not alone in this -- I'm sure there is a wide group of frustrated writers, artists, photographers, scrapbookers, etc., complaining that their demanding lives don't allow them to do what they love, and then coming home every evening to melt unproductively in front of the boob tube.

And I also suspect that we all know the answer to the dilemma, the old Nike slogan that pervades the consciousness of anyone who lived through the 1990's. Just do it.

Just start writing, filming, blogging, snapping pictures, making friends, dancing, bowling, gardening.... whatever it is. You have to start and hope that the creative energies and success will eventually follow. The temp will return to her desk, and maybe the old goat will regurgitate something delicious from the "Later" file that can become "Now, Now, Now."

There are no guarantees that what will emerge will be genius or anything close to it (and if you've made it through the blog to this point you may be nodding vigorously in agreement). But the only absolute guarantee is this: if you don't start, the results will speak for themselves.

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"I have nothing to say, and I am saying it."
-- John Cage